I like women. A lot. I find them to be fascinating, amusing,
mysterious, charming, unpredictable, unfathomable, delightful, and a list
of other things. Granted, I think they can also be some of the
most evil creatures on the planet. Since it is February, my blog
this time around will be one for the ladies.
Quite a few years ago, in February 1997, I drove down from
Cartersville, Ga to Marietta, to visit my friend Sara. It was a Friday,
and she had a few friends over. Now, Sara was openly bisexual, and she,
like me, had an unconcious attraction to pretty girls. On this
occasion, the group consisted of Sara, Dave (her boyfriend), Tasha,
(her boyfriend), Gina (Tasha's roommate), and (a very cute young lady
whose name I can't recall as I'm writing). Valentine's Day was the
following week, and silly me, I asked the girls if they were ready for
the day, and so began a discussion. We talked about hearts,
and candy, A
href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate">chocolate, and teddy
bears. They talked about clothes,
and the movies
they'd like to see. Oh, it was glorious, and the girlies were in
daydream heaven. And then Tasha's boyfriend said "Valentines is a
girl's day. It's not for guys."
Sara, always quick on the draw, said "Okay, Mr. Smartypants, when is
the man's day?" (Yes, Sara did say things like 'Mr. Smartypants', my
closest friends have always been uniquely unique).
The guy looks over at me, like *I* am going to bail him out, and the
only thing I can offer him is "Hey, I'm here to visit the ladies." So
he hems and haws, and stutters around and you know what? HE SAID ARBOR DAY!
Now, maybe it's just me, but I'll take wine, chocolate,
and a girl in sexy jammies
over planting a tree any day of every week. But he insisted, an
outdoorsy day is a day for real men. Plant a few trees, drink a few
brewskis, and I couldn't help myself. "But what about the girls?" They
can cook up a big dinner, for when the guys come home, he didn't even
hesitate to say. Tasha was single on Valentine's Day.
End of Story.
On another occasion, just myself and the three ladies, I asked why they
were all sitting at home (Sara's is always home) on a Friday night. The
one girl had just broken up with her fella and was currently in the "I
hate men" phase of the relationship. Sara was ever the perfect hostess
and needed nothing else to do. And Tasha said that no one had called to
ask her out.
I pursued that comment. "Tasha, you are beautiful. I mean, drop dead
fine as hell gorgeous. What do you no one has called to ask you out?"
And I learned that it can sometimes be as bad to be beautiful as to be
unattractive. Apparently, while she gave her number to guys she met,
they hadn't
the gumption to give her a ring, and make a move. Since then, I
have seen the
same occurence a few more times. From an evolutionary standpoint,
it doesn't make sense.
My closest friends have always been female. There are very few men in
my "inner circle", and some of those are riding a woman's coattails to
be there. I have come to accept, over the years, that I have a trait
that is very valuable to women-- I have the ability to empathize.
What this means is that they fell comfortable around me, but more than
that, they are able to be themselves. Guys reading this think that is a
stupid thing to say, women reading it are thinking 'YEAH!' It is a rare
person you are able to dump the darkest secrets of your soul on without
fear of it being hung out on the grapevine.
Valentine's Day is for women. I'm cool with that. It's a great day to
honor the most important day of our species. Because it might be
possible for women to produce children without men, males don't produce
without females. They create life. Is it any wonder that the earliest
known religions worshipped goddesses? What could possibly be more
important to humanity than it's source?
Men reading this should take note. I'm only going to help you with this
one time, and after that you are on your own. Chocolate
is much more than candy. It contains chemicals
that affect the brain. It
affects women differently than it does men. This is a good thing.
When your woman is starting to get that, um-- how do I say it? --
BICTHINESS that means it's PMS time
again, go get her some chocolate.
I don't mean a Hershey'd bar, either. Find a Choclatier and get her
something to savor. If she doesn't like chocolate, you could try ice cream. But far
and away the most common description I have ever heard a woman say
about cut roses
is that they are dead flowers. Sure, they like them, and some will even
make sappy noises and put the dead things in a scrapbook. But get a stuffed animal
instead. Or clothes.
Something sexy is worth more points than something functional. I know
this will strain your manly imaginations, but be creative
. She doesn't
want the same necklace all her co-workers have. She wants, more
than anything in the world, you to show her in your own PERSONAL unique
way that she
isn't like anyone else in the world. Be yourself, not John Q.
Public. If she didn't like that about you, you wouldn't have get her a
gift anyway.
Ladies, if you don't like something your guy buys, makes, or offers,
you should tell him so, or you'll get it again. In their own slow way,
men try to get what you really want them to get, but when they make an
incorrect choice and you don't tell them, they go happily on with life
thinking they have you figured out. Men are confused by women.
Happy Valentine's Day!
--Roger aka Illusnist
